In a blink of an eye, we are almost into another brand new year, I can’t believe we are that close to 2018.
I have learned so much this year. Whether is it for the better or the worst, I benefited from them both and grew as a person. I have figured out that people around me can affect me in so many ways.
The people that I thought I was the closest to, were potentially the ones who ended up hurting me the most. I figured out that sometimes, even when you put others first, they will not always do the same in return.
I have seen too many people leave me throughout the years and sometimes, I question if this was all my fault. But eventually, I realize that this is just part and parcel of life. Sometimes they stay and sometimes, they do not and it may not always be your fault.
Maybe they found better people to be around with to improve themselves as a person. Maybe something in their life made them decide on such a choice. It is not that you are not good enough, maybe they are just done growing with you. You do not have to feel bad about that because humans are after-all selfish creatures.
I used to feel that I have to put others before myself. But lately, I have come to realize that if you are surrounded by people who do not bother thinking about your feelings, then you do not have to be guilty of thinking for yourself first. Maybe that makes me a contradicting person, but if you do not care for yourself then who will?
However, I am thankful for crossing paths with people who made a difference in my life. I am glad to have met the ones who made my days better, even though it was just a short while. I think these are the little angels sent down to help you feel better about everything, and I really am thankful for them.
2017 was also filled with lonely nights, way too many of them. Alone, in my own room with my thoughts. It has always been like that, anyway. Just that this year, it was a little different. I guess it is the things I learned through the previous years. My thoughts became darker, and they’ve also become stronger but I did not seem hurt much that much.
It was also filled with worthless hook-ups too, sadly. And most nights, drowning my sorrows with sad records. It was me lighting up cigarettes, staring out of the window and wondering about my existence. It made me felt like I was worthless sometimes, but these were also the only ways I trick myself to feel otherwise. But one night it struck me that yeah, sex and drinks are all cool. But have you ever sat in total darkness alone and wonder why are you not worth more than just that?
Each night I go to bed wondering what will happen if I do not wake up the next day. What will the people around me say? Will I make a huge impact on them, or am I just going to be another “it’s just how life works”? And then I wonder, why am I so concern of what others have to say if they did not bother telling me when I was still around? It will no longer make a difference anyway.
I feel that these nights made me a stronger person mentally. I think it is like that for everyone too. We fight with our thoughts, wake up the next day, complete our routine and it repeats again. But again, how long can we fight this battle for before we start breaking down? What will happen when we break down? Is that why people give in to ending their life?
I used to think as a child “Isn’t it sad, how much they must have been through to have thoughts of dying? Why don’t they seek help?” I figured out that at the end of the day, the only person that can truly save you is yourself, but sometimes you just become too tired. Perhaps it is because the only thing that’s keeping them sane is to be numb and maybe, ending everything would be a much easier choice.
I have so much to say about 2017, the mistakes that I learn from and opportunities that I took, or missed really changed me. But I feel that no words can sum up how I ultimately feel. However, I am thankful for the people who stayed. I am glad that I still get to wake up to the sun shining through the curtains and waking up to my parents around. I am thankful for those who matter, and for greater things to happen and I hope 2018 would be one filled with great experiences and hopefully everything becomes better.
I have learned so much this year. Whether is it for the better or the worst, I benefited from them both and grew as a person. I have figured out that people around me can affect me in so many ways.
The people that I thought I was the closest to, were potentially the ones who ended up hurting me the most. I figured out that sometimes, even when you put others first, they will not always do the same in return.
I have seen too many people leave me throughout the years and sometimes, I question if this was all my fault. But eventually, I realize that this is just part and parcel of life. Sometimes they stay and sometimes, they do not and it may not always be your fault.
Maybe they found better people to be around with to improve themselves as a person. Maybe something in their life made them decide on such a choice. It is not that you are not good enough, maybe they are just done growing with you. You do not have to feel bad about that because humans are after-all selfish creatures.
I used to feel that I have to put others before myself. But lately, I have come to realize that if you are surrounded by people who do not bother thinking about your feelings, then you do not have to be guilty of thinking for yourself first. Maybe that makes me a contradicting person, but if you do not care for yourself then who will?
However, I am thankful for crossing paths with people who made a difference in my life. I am glad to have met the ones who made my days better, even though it was just a short while. I think these are the little angels sent down to help you feel better about everything, and I really am thankful for them.
2017 was also filled with lonely nights, way too many of them. Alone, in my own room with my thoughts. It has always been like that, anyway. Just that this year, it was a little different. I guess it is the things I learned through the previous years. My thoughts became darker, and they’ve also become stronger but I did not seem hurt much that much.
It was also filled with worthless hook-ups too, sadly. And most nights, drowning my sorrows with sad records. It was me lighting up cigarettes, staring out of the window and wondering about my existence. It made me felt like I was worthless sometimes, but these were also the only ways I trick myself to feel otherwise. But one night it struck me that yeah, sex and drinks are all cool. But have you ever sat in total darkness alone and wonder why are you not worth more than just that?
Each night I go to bed wondering what will happen if I do not wake up the next day. What will the people around me say? Will I make a huge impact on them, or am I just going to be another “it’s just how life works”? And then I wonder, why am I so concern of what others have to say if they did not bother telling me when I was still around? It will no longer make a difference anyway.
I feel that these nights made me a stronger person mentally. I think it is like that for everyone too. We fight with our thoughts, wake up the next day, complete our routine and it repeats again. But again, how long can we fight this battle for before we start breaking down? What will happen when we break down? Is that why people give in to ending their life?
I used to think as a child “Isn’t it sad, how much they must have been through to have thoughts of dying? Why don’t they seek help?” I figured out that at the end of the day, the only person that can truly save you is yourself, but sometimes you just become too tired. Perhaps it is because the only thing that’s keeping them sane is to be numb and maybe, ending everything would be a much easier choice.
I have so much to say about 2017, the mistakes that I learn from and opportunities that I took, or missed really changed me. But I feel that no words can sum up how I ultimately feel. However, I am thankful for the people who stayed. I am glad that I still get to wake up to the sun shining through the curtains and waking up to my parents around. I am thankful for those who matter, and for greater things to happen and I hope 2018 would be one filled with great experiences and hopefully everything becomes better.
